The Universe Doesn’t Care About Your Plans
How to Cultivate Psychological Flexibility
Many of us start each year with ambitious plans, perhaps even writing down some resolutions or goals. While I am always keen on these types of activities and enjoy the opportunity to refresh and revisit my goals, I’ve learned through repeated experiences that the Universe really doesn’t care about my plans. In fact, if anything, life is chaotic and random. While having goals can be helpful, a far greater skill is to remain psychologically flexible.
I was reminded of this lesson once again very recently. It relates to my previous posts on Substack, where I had expressed my intention to use this space regularly to share information for the benefit of fathers and to develop my writing skills post-PhD. I had intended to post weekly and build an audience for my writing. Meanwhile, for much of this year, I had been experiencing some health anomalies that I couldn’t quite identify. This culminated in a visit to the doctor, who—much to her credit—arranged an ultrasound and discovered I had a large gallstone that required surgery. My gallbladder was removed a few weeks ago, and I am now nearly fully recovered. This health event is not the point of this post, however. Rather, it is the fact that once again life delivered a random event—something not in the plans or goals for the year—and I was required to respond, using skills I had learned as a practitioner, especially drawing from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (or ACT for short).
So what is psychological flexibility, and how do we develop it?
‘Psychological Flexibility’ is described as the ability to adapt to changing circumstances, stay present in the moment, and take effective action aligned with one’s values, even in the face of difficult thoughts or emotions. It is central to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), founded by Steven Hayes, and also written about by Russ Harris' work on applying ACT in everyday life.
The main elements of psychological flexibility are:
Acceptance, or the willingness to experience difficult thoughts and emotions without trying to avoid or suppress them.
Defusion, meaning the ability to detach from unhelpful thoughts by seeing them for what they are—just thoughts, not facts.
Mindfulness, or the ability to be in contact with the present moment, being aware of the here and now, with an attitude of curiosity and non-judgment.
Self-as-Context, which refers to the ability to view oneself as an observer of experiences rather than identifying completely with them, as our minds sometimes tend to do.
Values, or knowing what truly matters to you, which helps guide your decisions and actions. While values may change over time, there are some core values that tend to remain consistent throughout our adult lives.
Committed Action, which involves taking steps toward your values, even when it’s hard. Sometimes this requires us to face our fears, push through difficult times, or sit with discomfort in service of the things that really matter to us.
During my recent health episode, I was challenged and reminded of the need to draw on these skills. In the days following surgery, my main challenge was the pain and discomfort, as would be expected for anyone recovering from an operation. Acceptance, or acknowledging the painful sensations I was experiencing, helped me work through this period. Instead of fighting the pain, struggling, or wishing it wasn’t my experience, I tried to notice and allow these painful sensations to rise and fall. I will admit that more than a few times, I became scared, and my mind offered me a few worst-case scenarios. However, by using defusion, I was able to create some distance from the stream of negative thoughts my mind was generating. This helped me gain some mental space and reduce the emotional grip these thoughts could have had on me.
Additionally, by working on staying present in the moment, I was able to enjoy aspects of my recovery, such as watching a favorite TV series or spending time with my wife, who was working from home while I was recovering. On one particular day, I wasn’t my best self and spoke harshly to members of my family. The next day, I was able to apologize and get back on track. This reflection came from being reminded of my values—being a good, caring, reliable father and husband. By recognizing that I was off track, I could take action to realign with these values and reconnect with the people who matter most to me. This, in turn, brought about greater support for me during this time.
I consider myself on a lifelong learning journey in cultivating better psychological flexibility, and I hope to share more about these important skills in future writings. For now, I am grateful for the help these skills and principles have provided in responding to another one of life’s curveballs with a healthier, more flexible, and kinder mindset.
Bibliography:
Dr Steven C. Hayes
Hayes, S. C. (2005). Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Hayes, S. C. (2020). A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters. New York: Avery.
Dr Russ Harris
Harris, R. (2021). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living (2nd ed.). Boston, MA: Shambhala.
Harris, R. (2020). The Reality Slap: How to Find Fulfillment When Life Hurts (2nd ed.). London: Robinson.