Why write about fathering?

My own fathering journey and experiences that lead me to research and write about fathering.

I view my own journey into fatherhood as somewhat stereotypical for my era. When my spouse, Michelle, and I discussed having a family together we considered how we would navigate this both financially and practically. Our initial period of parenting was traditional, being that Michelle wanted to be a stay-at-home mum while our children were young, and I was comfortable being the main breadwinner during that period. When Michelle wanted to return to the workforce after about 10 years, initially part-time, we made accommodations together to make this possible and manage our home life equitably. In terms of the practicalities, we have navigated each of the transition periods following the arrival of each of our four children with the usual challenges and sometimes conflicts and competing demands like many parents do. These adjustments have been difficult and have required much communication and decision-making. In terms of our approach to coparenting, I would consider ourselves very malleable, depending on the stage. In the early years, with Michelle being a stay-at-home mother, many of the day-to-day decisions regarding the children were made by her. Yet we always conferred about the more important matters. What was a challenge for us was that I came to the coparenting arena with a very different expectation of my own role. I very much wanted to be involved. I had come to expect that I could be equally capable in rearing children as a mother. This was in part due to the influence of my own father, who although very involved as a traditional father figure, also displayed a willingness to assist with my emotional and social development. Other influences also shaped my expectations.

My father was in the military for much of my childhood. One message that I heard repeated by my own father many times, was a quote that he liked, ‘no success can compensate for failure in the home’. My dad lived by this quote. In fact, when he reached a particular point that upward advancement in the military would mean more time away from his children, he decided that it was time to leave the army to take another job, being a bus driver, so that he could be more available to his kids. My pop, his father, was very involved in our lives, attending our sporting matches and schooling events. Pop wanted to be remembered by the saying ‘missed greatness, greatly missed’. Not only was he an excellent cook, and participated with Nan with most domestic chores like shopping and cleaning, I also learned from my pop that father figures can be emotionally and psychologically significant in children’s lives, by being compassionate and nurturing. Pop helped me at one point in my life when I was about nine years of age when I was experiencing anxiety. Every night he would come into my bedroom, and he would talk to me, and listen to what was worrying me. He offered me empathy and support, and he offered good reason and to alleviate my fears. He also helped me to sleep by teaching me how to relax using breathing techniques. My Pop wasn’t an educated man. He left school at 14. Yet by his simple willingness to be present and to listen to me, and offer me some support, he had a powerful influence on me. In fact, that was probably one of the reasons that I later decided to go on to study to become a psychologist.

Another interesting influence was that I was regularly asked to babysit other families’ children. The first experience was my neighbours’ children, and then as a teenager a few families would regularly ask me to look after their children, sometimes when they were quite young. I learned to change nappies and to bottle feed infants, and I loved playing with the older children. This was my first venture into ‘rough and tumble’ play, a key ingredient to most fathers parenting style. I remember feeling so pleased with myself that I had the ability to help a young baby get off to sleep. I remember how the children would make me feel so special and they were excited to see me and spend time with me. The parents also encouraged my abilities with caring for their children and gave me a sense of responsibility. By my late teens there was a particular family who would have me look after their children for an overnight stay, which would include the full range of childcare activities. Thus, my confidence in my capacity to care for children was further increased, impacting on my future sense of self-efficacy as a father. When it eventually came time for me to become father I was fairly confident in my abilities, and also very excited for to undertake this role.

However, I must say that I never imagined what sheer joy a child could be. I was able to very involved with my first child, Calum. I remember when he was 2 years old, most mornings he would wake me by coming to my bedside and would say “bat ‘n’ ball dad”. Sure enough there he would be, at 5:30am in the morning, with his little bat and ball eager to play. I would get up and Michelle would get some much needed extra sleep, and Calum and I would play for an hour, and then I would get ready to head off to work. I have also found great pleasure in going into kindergarten with my kids and they would make me feel like the most amazing person in the world. I discovered that I loved my role of father so much, that I wanted more. I’m not saying it has been a breeze. Not at all. There have been and still are, really tough times. However I think these early experiences caused my expectations to change. I discovered that my success as a father would be measured by more than just how well I provided for my children materially. I wanted to be an involved father so that I could give my children the best start in life that I could by providing for them emotionally as well as physically. Now we have 4 children, the oldest is 24 and the youngest is 15, and much of our parenting years are behind us. We are now entering a different period of life, enjoying relationships with our young adult children as they start to navigate their own way through life.

 

Why research and write about dads and fathering?

In 2015 I commenced my PhD, the topic chosen being Barriers and Facilitations of Father Involvement in Parenting. It would be wrong to pretend that this was purely an academic exercise. It was a very personal expedition. It was born out of my lived experience and appreciation of the importance of the role of fathers, and how difficult it can be for all parents to raise children, and my desire to help others in this space. It was also influenced by clinical experiences, where I became increasingly aware of some concerning factors in our society regarding the detrimental effects of father absence on children’s lives. The literature indicated alarming rates of father absence in the lives of their children in our society, and the relationship between this and poor outcomes in child social, emotional, behavioural and academic lifespan. These difficulties often persisted into adulthood.

As I worked my way through the research on fathering, I learned much about the benefits of father involvement on the lives of their children. For example, fathers who are more involved with their children, particularly through play, contribute to the development of children who are often better able to regulate their own emotions and possess better social skills and self-control. Fathers' involvement in child rearing can have a large impact on the long-term development of children and has been found to predict positive outcomes for children in later life. Well-adjusted adults tend to come from families where the father was involved in their upbringing. Children from homes with a supportive father present tend to perform better academically, and has been correlated with lower depression, reduced conduct problems, and lower substance abuse issues. Father involvement should be considered a protective factor for children that aids in the development of resilience and mitigates against certain psychological and social risks in adulthood. This is only a summary. Suffice to say, there is strong evidence to support fathers being actively engaged in the raising their children. My own research projects investigated what barriers and facilitators exist, specifically in the coparenting relationship, and how they might be addressed. I also explored how fathers of older children (primary school age) felt about their roles and the level of confidence in their parenting.

I hope to make this substack space a place that I can contribute to the support of fathers and father figures in their roles. I intend to share the things I learned from the literature on the importance of the role of fathers in the lives of their children, as well as practical and helpful information to support good fathering, and also importantly, to advocate for a more equitable coparenting model in the homes of families which supports mothers in their roles and in participating in the workforce.